By Soumyadipta Banerjee

If there’s anybody out there who knows ACP Vasant Dhoble personally, then trick him into watching this movie. Dhoble might get a heart-attack after watching this film and for all you know, he might even take sannyas. Also, after seeing this film, he might give up his night rounds and start playing hockey with his hockey stick!

Since we don’t know ACP personally, we decided to write the review for him and tell him why he should be watching Cocktail. Dhoble heads some department called the 'Social Service Cell', so we thought that it is our birth-right to do some social service for him. Wondering why we are insisting on making Dhoble watch this film? Okay, here goes a step-by-step analysis exclusively for our dear ACP Dhoble.

Dear Mr Dhoble, if you are reading this, we are listing out the reasons why you should press the panic button after watching it.

1. People are always partying in this film: Dear Dhoblebhai (let’s get a little personal here. You don’t mind, we are sure!), people are partying incessantly and irresponsibly in this film. Deepika Padukone plays a girl who is seen gate-crashing into every happening party in London in the tiniest of dresses. Then she provokes all the guys on the dance floor to close dance with her. She also has this nasty habit of seducing guys by forcing their hands on her hips while dancing. Now, in your dictionary Dhoblebhai, she surely qualifies as a prostitute. We urge that you should immediately catch hold of Deepika Padukone and slap a case of indecent behaviour on her. If you are looking to attach more criminal sections in the charge-sheet, here’s more help. Deepika is shown freely smoking weed in some of the sequences. Dhoblebhai, in your dictionary, weed qualifies as drugs. So, you can now slap a narcotics case on her too. I am telling you Dhoblebhai, she really smoked up while shooting these scenes. Otherwise, she wouldn’t have been so convincing. What are you waiting for? Our first recommendation to you, dear Dhoblebhai, ‘Arrest Deepika Padukone!’

2. Saif Ali Khan has sex like a rabbit:  Dear Dhoblebhai, if the behavior of Deepika Padukone is not shocking enough for you, then here’s presenting Saif Ali Khan! Our dear Saifu is blessed with such superpower in this film that empowers him to get a girl horny just by looking at her! So, all through the first half of the movie, he simply stares at a girl, chants the cheesiest pick-up line and lo! The girl is ready to sleep with him! Dhoblebhai, this kind of behaviour from a 45-year-old actor cannot be tolerated at any cost. All through the film, Saif is shown touching and flirting with ‘young females’ in the most filthy manner and yet, they are all smiling at him and openly asking him to sleep with them! Saif Ali Khan is not letting even one opportunity go and sleeps with all of them. Dhoblebhai, in your dictionary, Saif Ali Khan is a male prostitute. You should immediately arrest him because he also seemed to have one big orgy party while shooting for the film. If you are looking to attach more IPC sections on Saif Ali Khan’s charge-sheet, here’s more help: Saif Ali Khan is shown dancing in a transparent black night-gown and a tiger spot bra. Dhoblebhai, I am telling you this is against the law but I don’t know which section it comes under. I am sure your honour will able to do the rest.

3. Diana Penty also joins the three-some: Though Diana Penty has done a lot of work to make her look and speak like this under-stated ‘Sita type’ Indian girl, in the end, she too falls for the ‘flirt type’ Saif Ali Khan. Dhoblebhai, this is a perfect threesome and you must act against it. The story goes like this: Diana Penty comes to London to look for her long lost NRI husband only to find out that he has cheated on her. Like what you saw in Satyamev Jayate, he is settled in London with all the dowry money and then forgot all about his wife in India. A bhatakta hua Diana then accidentally meets Deepika in the loo of a nightclub and she asks Diana to move in with her. The two bhatakta hua females then meet another bhatakta hua Saif Ali Khan who also decides to have as many night-stands with Deepika after partying with her. What next? Saif Ali Khan shifts into Deepika's apartment too. Dhoblebhai, can you imagine this happening in Mumbai? You can? Oh! Naughty boy! You always wanted something like that for yourself, na? Cheee! Very, very naughty!

4. Saif ends up kissing Diana Penty: Dhoblebhai, the movie gets raunchier now. Saif now manages to seduce Deepika’s best friend after sleeping with Deepika. But Diana starts resisting Saif advances because she knows that Deepika won’t like it. But then Saif Ali Khan starts emotionally blackmailing Diana into sleeping with him. At this point of time, enter Saif’s mama (Boman Irani) and ma (Dimple Kapadia) who are under the impression that Saif has fallen for Diana and not Deepika. The three-some now gets cosier! While Saif puts up an act in front of his mother, he goes on kissing Deepika when his mom is not looking. But they don’t know when this actingbaazi makes Saif fall in love with Diana. When Saif realizes that, he starts chasing Diana without any guilt because he says he was pretty clear to Deepika all this while that they will just sleep with each other. Dhoblebhai, have heard the term fuck-buddies? No? Look up in your dictionary, it means a rapist! Reasons to arrest even Diana Penty, we say!

5. Deepika wants a three-some marriage: Dhoblebhai this is ultimate, because Deepika is so much in love with Saif (and his smells in particular), that she constantly nags Saif to have a illegal three-some where all the three friends can stay under one roof and yet have a normal life (Dhoblebhai this means they want a threesome!). Two girls and one guy under one single and having sex all the time. We are not giving out the rest of the story to you because there’re plenty of things in the movie to give you a heart-attack, if I tell you more then chances are, that you might not be getting that heart-attack. Dhoblebhai!! Are you reacting? Or you are already in your grave? Hellooo!

What you should do?
While we look for a quack doctor for Dhoble, you go and watch the movie. We recommend the movie for Deepika’s brilliant acting and Saif Ali Khan’s bad acting. Diana Penty has done a wonderful job too but she is too bad at crying. We recommend, that Saif Ali Khan should start narrating all those PJs to Diana all over again and may be she would be able to cry better.

In.com rating: 3/5

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