By Soumyadipta Banerjee

Last Thursday, just a couple of hours before the scheduled press screening of the Daal Mein Kuch Kaala Hai, all the critics received an SMS that said that the film’s screening has been cancelled. The reason for the cancellation was ‘problems in the print’.

On the day of the release, I was told that the film was only being shown to critics who would want to see the film. We wanted to see the film at any cost and so we called PVR hoping to catch the first 9 am show.
“Sorry, we are not screening the film,” the PVR theatre manager informed us.
“So, where is the film releasing in Mumbai?” we asked.
A few phone calls later, we got to know that it was releasing in Cinemax. We immediately called a Cinemax official to get a ticket for the first show of the day. He informed us that they have scheduled only one show for the day and that too after 12.45 pm. I booked a ticket for the show and when I was about to walk into the small theatre which barely had 50 seats, I was informed that I was the only member of the audience.
By that time, I was determined that no matter what the challenges were, I would see the film. This review is the story how I couldn’t fulfill my goal and how I lost the battle with Veena Malik who’s making a debut in this film…

“Sheeet,” screamed Veena Malik…

There she was, wearing a very tight blue gym vest and a polka-dotted blue pyjama! Veena Malik was not acting, she was having fun! Veena was making faces at the camera, laughing at her own jokes, rolling her eyes and saying something that we couldn’t understand. Shot after shot, she was wearing the same set of vest and pyjamas. After a point my mind was revolting against the terrorist assault launched against my senses by Veena, but like a true Bollywood soldier, I decided not to yield. I had promised myself that no matter what, I wouldn’t leave the theatre or the battlefield. So, I decided to close my eyes and go through the film so that Veena has only one way to reach my mind -- my ears.
“Sheeet….” Veena Malik screamed in despair as I shut my eyes tightly. She was in despair and so was I. She had decided to speak in English even though she could not pronounce a word of it correctly. The Censor Board had acted like a true alliance partner and beeped out the swear words mouthed by her. By the looks of it and the way she said “sheeet”, I figured out that she was pronouncing ‘f**k’ as “Faaaak!”.
Aaap Mai-Ri-Rot hotel mein khaana khane jaoge…” Veena Malik started firing on her ‘English’ cylinders as I sat there with my eyes closed, defending myself. In this dialogue she was speaking about the Mariott Hotel in Juhu.
Defence was the best form of attack, as former finance minister Chidambaram had taught me and in that war zone, it seemed the best strategy. There were times when I was opening my eyes, I could see a few actors looking at the camera, waiting for their cue and then delivering their dialogues. Let me explain this in a little better way – remember what we used to do when we forgot our dialogues in our school plays? Suddenly in the middle of the sentence, we would look blank and start staring at the wings where our prompter was standing.
Ditto in this film. Afer delivering one dialogue, there is always a small pause and the actor (Veena Malik in most cases) would wait for the prompt and then repeat the dialogue. Of course, you don’t hear the prompt but it is clear that she is repeating the dialogue after somebody. I figured out that the war between me and Veena Malik was only getting nastier…

Veena Malik adopts unfair war tactics…
Veena Malik became more aggressive in the film and unleashed her whole army on me. They were all assaulting my finer senses left, right and centre and there I was! Fighting all alone sitting in a dark room. But being from Bollywood, I knew that I could not give up and I had to figure out a way for a counter attack. So, now I decided to attack and started blocking the rest of the caricatures out of my mind and only concentrated on Veena Malik. It’s all fair in war, so here I started watching the film again reminding myself constantly that I had to complete watching this film to win this war.
Veena Malik adopted numerous sabotage techniques which included a nuclear strategy of roaring like a lion when she got scared, a background sound of “Gadbad hai, ghotala hai and Daal Mein Kuch Kaala Hai” at least a thousand times after each dialogue, an item song called Vada Pav and unleashing a robo-cop on me which was a Johnny Lever look-alike. Among the special super-hero powers that this Robo-cop had, the most dangerous of them was to flatten a car tyre with a single fart! He not only flattened the tyre of a Maruti Omni, he even threw all the passengers out of the car! All that with a single fart! I named him Fart-man because I couldn’t understand his Pakistani super-hero name.
Then came one of our own actors who decided to fight from Veena Malik’s side – Shakti Kapoor aka Chunna Bhai. He also started screaming and shouting at me for no apparent reason but yes, he spoke in Hindi like a true Indian. But unfortunately he had defected to Veena Malik’s side like members of GJD party after Mumbai’s civic elections.

The final phase of the war…

My opponent by that time had realized that I am somebody who’s not giving up like without a true fight. Like Bhisma Pitamaha, I had decided to defend my Bollywood from Veena until my last breath. She then unleashed Jackie Shroff. Jackie Shroff would look at a plate of samosas and say that it reminded him of his mother. His junior would look at him as if he was using the same
motherwala gaali on him. He, too, was laughing at his own jokes as Jackie Shroff would go on eating his samosas without a pav.
The war was entering its last phase and I realized that there would be a point soon where there would be either Veena Malik or me in that multiplex.
By that time, I had got somebody walk into the multiplex to support me but he was hardly any support because he was behaving very strangely. My lone god-gifted soldier turned out to be a freak because I could see him constantly and continuously adjusting his belt and pants the moment Veena Malik would come on screen wearing that gym vest or a mini skirt. I don’t know what he was doing but I realized that the fight had to be won alone.
Veena Malik screamed “Shut you up” in her own English as she introduced her final soldier. That was Bobby Darling the sexy paanwalli! She started swinging her lips and as everybody started lusting for Bobby Darling, I realized that I couldn’t fire anymore. Veena Malik has completely disarmed me. As Bobby Darling started swinging her hips and ‘delibering’ her lusty dialogues, I could see myself fall down on a bed of arrows.

I lost the battle!

What you should do?

I think nobody can win the battle against Veena Malik. If there’s any Arjun who can win it for me, please let me know.

In.com rating: 0 stars

To see the trailer of the film, click here

To see a video where Veena Malik is kissed by Shakti Kapoor at an event of the film, click here 

To Listen to the songs of this film, click here