Since 1947, we've had neighbour problems – wars, escalations, failed talks, lost cricket matches – the list is endless. The latest barbaric beheading after a border intrusion is something that has woken us up to the realization that this problem might never go away. We’ve tried a hundred ways to live in peace with each other, but maybe peace is not meant to be?
Which is why we need to think out of the box, and come up with creative and funny ways to love our neighbour. Here are the top 5 we thought of; let us know your ideas in the Comments Section!
1. Make Aishwarya the External Affairs Minister: Salman Khurshid is many things – a distinguished lawyer, an accomplished politician, and a great writer. But he is not a drop-dead gorgeous woman.
"NOW let the peace talks begin..."
To counter the threat of Hina Rabbani Khar (it’s not easy to have a heated discussion with one so beautiful) we need Aishwarya Rai-Bachchan (post a weight-loss session) to become the External Affairs Minister. Only then will we get their diplomats to agree to what we want
2. Play 1000 Indo-Pak cricket matches a year: When India and Pakistan meet on the cricket field, everyone in either country within 100 miles of a TV set is glued to it. Have you ever heard of a terrorist attack during an Indo-Pak match? So all we have to do is ensure that these matches never end – play 3 matches a day without stopping. That way, India will stop losing so much; Pakistan can always be counted on to do the right thing now and then and throw the match
3. Make Bollywood have a bad year: Pakistan likes our movies as much as we do. All we need to do, then, is to make sure we have a year of terrible movies. We need Uday Chopra and Leander Paes to star in every movie, perhaps with Sherlyn Chopra as the female lead. One year of this, and Pakistan will throw their hands up and sue for peace. Problem is, we might all go crazy before that, too
4. Have a subcontinent Facebook: We need Mark Zuckerberg to create a local version of Facebook just for India and Pakistan. This will add a Pakistani friend for every Indian friend you add, and vice versa. We’ve always been told that people like us want peace on either side of the border, and that our rivalry has been kept alive only by the armies. Well, Facebook is the perfect way to find out. If nothing, at least the average beauty of our friends will go up a bit
5. Invest in 10 tons of Laxmanrekha: Laxmanrekha lets you create white lines to keep cockroaches at bay. The people who beheaded one of our soldiers on the LoC are nothing but cockroaches (or worse); drawing a Laxmanrekha on the Line of Control might keep them out. Nothing else has worked, anyway.
India is a tiger at home, and a bacterium abroad. After our embarrassing performances in South Africa and New Zealand, questions are being asked about whether our team is truly ready to play a cricket match anywhere outside the sub-continent. We think there is light at the end of the tunnel - we think that these 6 ideas will help India rise from the ashes and become a tiger everywhere.
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