Indian cricket is sick. Our test team has been underperforming for years, and the patient has suddenly become terminally sick (by losing at home). Our ODI team won the World Cup, and apparently felt that was enough to lose 60% of all ODIs after that. Our T20 team had no reason to lose the T20 World Cup, so of course they did. Only the IPL flourishes, and even that is more due to the West Indians than the real Indians.
Such a sick patient needs a doctor, and fast, otherwise all us fans will need an undertaker. Here are some ideas for medical procedures that Team India needs to undergo right away, before it loses the few fans it has left:
1. Surgery: First, we need surgery on the current team, to pick out dead and decaying members, and replace them with people who really have the skills. Rohit Sharma, here's looking at you - you will end up on the operating room floor, and then maybe Rahane can finally get a chance. Also, Viru, we love you, but you might have to retire from one format of the game, soon. Please disappear before surgery and don't make us cut you out.
2. CAT Scan: Some decisions that Dhoni has taken in the past year have been inexplicable. Why does he not come in when 3 wickets fall quickly instead of waiting till he has tail company? Why is Rohit Sharma within 1000 km of the team? Why wasn't Sachin made to stay in the team? Why do we always lose? Only a detailed brain scan can reveal what makes him do what he does.
3. Ventilator/life support: Most of us fans have already resigned ourselves to the death of Indian cricket. But, for those of us who still believe, we need round-the-clock life support to make sure Indian cricket doesn't actually die. Maybe a PR person who can manage expectations better?
4. Chemotherapy: In almost every sport, performance enhancing drugs are present, and they all enhance performance. Of course, it is illegal, but only if we're caught. The way we're going, if our team doesn't start taking steroids or something, we won't win another match before 2069 AD.
5. Plastic surgery: This will be the opposite of other plastic surgery procedures, which aim to make people look better. This one will make our cricketers look ugly, so that they can never again endorse a brand or appear in an ad. Then they'll have to stick to cricket, rather than extra-curricular activities.
6. Transplants: We need a large-scale transplant of multiple organs to start playing better. We should start with the coach: Duncan Fletcher has done nothing. Maybe Dav Whatmore might be a good exchange? Also, we might need to grow a pair so that we don't lose embarrassingly, but show some fight. And some heart. And some blue blood, because none of the fans bleed blue these days. The list is endless...
...And if none of these work, there will be only one option left:
7. Euthanasia: If we just cannot start playing well, then it is time to stop following cricket (for us fans) and shift to hockey, or table tennis or even carrom. After all, if everything possible has been done for a patient and he still does not respond, maybe it's best to let him die.
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India is a tiger at home, and a bacterium abroad. After our embarrassing performances in South Africa and New Zealand, questions are being asked about whether our team is truly ready to play a cricket match anywhere outside the sub-continent. We think there is light at the end of the tunnel - we think that these 6 ideas will help India rise from the ashes and become a tiger everywhere.
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