December is a very lucky month, a very heavyweight month. Both Rajinikanth and Salman were born in this month, and Salman is the birthday boy today. Like everyone else, we want to give him a gift, but it's hard to think what gift would be best. After all, he pretty much has everything he could want (except perhaps a bride) and sometimes takes illegally what he can't get legally (blackbuck, are you listening?).
So the only thing left to do is get creative, and give Salman the funniest, wackiest things he doesn't have yet. Here's the list. Happy Birthday, Salman! May you:
1. Finally choose one of the 600 million women in India: To be Mrs Salman Khan. Most of the 600 million women will be willing, so it'll be difficult to choose. Either have a Salman Dulhaniya Le Jayega reality contest, or just do the logical thing and ask Katrina
2. Make Chulbul Pandey a true alterego: Just like Bruce Wayne and Batman, and dedicate Chulbul to the pursuit of hunting down and killing every rapist there is
3. Ek Tha Blackbuck: May you never go to jail for allegedly shooting those animals, so that you have to name the sequel to Ek Tha Tiger 'Ek Tha Blackbuck'. Let them use Ek Tha Blackbuck as the tagline after it goes extinct
4. May you never have to wait: 2 hours in any movie of yours again to take your shirt off (Dabangg-2 made you - and some of your fans - wait far too long)
5. May 100 crores become the new baseline: In a few months, we should call a Salman movie a flop if it crosses only 100 crore but not 200 crore. After all, you don't make small movies, do you?
6. May you make one serious art film: Directed by the most skilled director in the world, with a plot that no one can understand (but they nod their heads widely anyway to seem cool), shot in black and white with grainy textures running across the screen, so that people stop saying you're not a serious actor. Of course, Salman can make even such a film join the 100 crore club
7. May you get 100 crore fans: Once, you used to strive for a 100 crore film. Now that you've conquered that hurdle, why not try to get 100 crore fans, as the first step in Being Sachin?
8. May you never suffer health problems: Due to an overdose of masala, that you sprinkle so liberally in all your movies
What was the reason that an almost-perfect looking team India surrendered to the Lankan lions in the WC finals, you ask? Here are 5 probable reasons why we feel India lost:
India is a tiger at home, and a bacterium abroad. After our embarrassing performances in South Africa and New Zealand, questions are being asked about whether our team is truly ready to play a cricket match anywhere outside the sub-continent. We think there is light at the end of the tunnel - we think that these 6 ideas will help India rise from the ashes and become a tiger everywhere.
We're so worried about his recent string of crazy activities that we think he might go too far soon. He might do one of these things, for instance:
After Arnab Goswami took Rahul Gandhi’s case in an interview (there’s really no other way of putting it) on Monday, we think that Koffee with Karan is way too boring. If we wanted to know random celeb gossip, we’d just read their tweets. But the way Arnab grills people, you have to admire him
A few days after Jai Ho's release, it is apparent that Salman's latest film will not touch the heights achieved by Chennai Express, Krrish 3, or Dhoom 3. It might not even touch Dabangg-2 or Bodyguard, and this is in 2014, when every other film hits 100 crores domestically. So why did Jai Ho fail to break all the box office records we thought it would? We aren't sure, but here are a few reasons.
Air India finally did something to make us sit up and take notice. They announced that they would provide wi-fi facilities to people on board their aircraft. This is great, but we don't think they've thought through some of the funnier consequences of their decision.
There are three constants in life in India: the petrol prices will keep rising, Arnab and Manmohan will always be opposites, and Salman Khan movies will always stick to a formula. Whether he's a cop, a bodyguard, or an Aam Aadmi, he's basically Rajinikanth in a different body.