It's not easy for Team India to win these days. We have tried everything - making pitches favourable to ourselves, changing the team, having our best players retire, keeping Rohit Sharma in the team - and nothing seems to work. We're staring at defeat in the T-20s to Pakistan, unless we do something special.
Unless we do something extreme, to reverse our run of bad fortune. Here are the craziest ideas that will ensure victory for us in Match 2:
1. Somehow ensure that Kamran Akmal is always on strike: Kamran Akmal is to the opposition what Sachin is to your team. He is 100% reliable. Whenever you want a catch dropped or a T20 prolonged, Kamran’s your man!
2. Make Sania Mirza a double agent: ACP Pradyuman is free these days; he should use his powers of espionage to make Sania discourage Shoaib Malik so that he stops playing well.
3. Hold counseling sessions for Team India: On how it's not OK to give last ball sixes (with extra classes for Dinda and Jadeja) and on how Chetan Sharma is probably not the ideal role model in this regards
4. Start a march at India Gate: To bring Sachin back to T20, so that he can save us all. Just like he's done the past 23 years
5. Break Gautam Gambhir's leg: So that he needs a runner in every subsequent game, and stops running other batsmen out
6. Combat Pakistan's 7 foot bowler with one of our own: When you see a 7 foot 1 inch fast bowler bearing down on you, you might be intimidated. Which is why we need to hire Kane (from the WWE) ASAP. If all else fails, he can just set everybody on fire, winning us the match
7. Nominate Rohit Sharma and Ravindra Jadeja to the Rajya Sabha: So that they can take some much needed time off, and actually give us a chance to win
8. Clone Bhuvneshwar Kumar: Overnight; we need more like him
And now, the only thing that will work for sure:
9. Cancel the second match: And nullify the result of the first, saying that Pakistan can only play in India when they stop sponsoring terrorism. Actually, we should have done this before the series started.
India is a tiger at home, and a bacterium abroad. After our embarrassing performances in South Africa and New Zealand, questions are being asked about whether our team is truly ready to play a cricket match anywhere outside the sub-continent. We think there is light at the end of the tunnel - we think that these 6 ideas will help India rise from the ashes and become a tiger everywhere.
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