Every day, we wait with bated breath to see which hitherto unknown public figure will come up and say something vile and stupid. Asaram Bapu, Akbaruddin Owaisi, the khap panchayat... all these, and a thousand more, seem to be competing among themselves to get the highest possible market share of India’s righteous hate.

But matters have now reached criticality. When these D-list celebs try to use a horrific tragedy like the Delhi gangrape as mileage to peddle their useless agenda, we must stand up and stop them. Here’s an informative contract that every D-list celeb should be made to sign before he or she even thinks of talking to the media on a subject of current interest. Maybe it will stop the stream of garbage that emanates from their mouths:

1. You become relevant by doing great things, not saying despicable things. Repeat that a 1000 times till you understand it

2. Learn from MMS himself. Silence is golden. While you're at it, if you could teach him to speak as much as you do, that would be great

Because sometimes, you say it best when you say nothing at all. Photo: PTI

3. If you exploit a tragedy to further your 'brand', you will end up in an extremely warm corner of hell, along with such sinners as Kasab, Hitler, and people who walk in front of theatre screens

4. Some say that 'no publicity is bad publicity'. They are, of course, wrong. Keep running your mouth like you do, and someone will beat you up some day

5. Saying stupid things to the media will get you hated by 30 crore people

6. Your digestive system has two ends. Only one end needs to be associated with human waste, keep your mouth clean!

7. On the evolutionary scale, you occupy the position somewhere between a slimy pond slug and a cockroach that has gone white through years of avoiding the light. Keep talking nonsense, and you could reach the level of bacteria soon!

8. Gandhiji’s third monkey Spoke No Evil. Buy a statue of this and beat yourself on your empty head every day till you understand its message, or till you break your head and die. Maybe the latter would be better

9. Verbal diarrhoea is a deadly disease, much more dangerous than its intestinal cousin. There is no known cure, except for its sufferer resolving to live a life of dignity

10. You know those real celebs you want to be like? They usually shun the media and photographers. If you really want to be like them, go into hiding

11. Your opinion on the news has no value at all. You have no special insight or competence; if you did, you would be an A-list celeb and wouldn’t need cheap publicity

This contract was inspired by Gregory’s iPhone contract, that came out late last year. Read it here! And tell us what you think should be added to the D-list celeb contract above.

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