Over the past few months, the CBI has not covered itself in glory. First, they conducted a deeply flawed 2G investigation - where A Raja, he of lakh crore fame - was not even interrogated. Now, they're giving the opposition parties ammunition against the government, by failing at the Coalgate investigation, too.
Which makes us think that the CBI is behaving like anything but the Central Bureau of Investigation, as suggested by its name. We've thought of 7 more fitting names for this 'organization' and, just to be nice, we've made sure that all of them abbreviate to 'CBI', so they won't have to change the name plates. We left out all the X-Rated options. Believe us, there were a lot of them.
1. Coalgate Burial Individuals: This needs no explanation. Coalgate is apparently bigger than the 2G scam, yet we have no inkling of a main culprit. Maybe the CBI will come back and tell us that rats ate up 2 lakh crore, after strengthening their teeth with daily Colgate brushing. That way they will earn ad revenue, too!
2. Central Bureaucracy Illustration: The CBI moves with all the speed of an arthritic, legless tortoise in quicksand. We feel surprised if they come out with an initial decision within 5 years of a crime, and they usually seem to take about 20 years. If this is not the best illustration of bureaucracy in India, what is?
3. Cock and Bull Investigators: Going by their fine record in the past year, this would seem to be the most fitting name for them. Only, the Censor Board would probably object to the first word.
4. Can't Be Investigators: The people behind the Cock and Bull Investigations surely Cannot Be Investigators, can they? What do you even study to become a CBI person? We only remember Science, Medicine, Commerce and Arts in our colleges; there was no Investigation stream, surely, for parents to warn us against?
5. Central Bane of Investigation: An obvious choice, seeing as how they don't let investigation happen on their watch. We think even Bane (from The Dark Knight Rises) would've made a better intelligence officer.
6. Congress Boss Is: Sorry for the Yoda-esque sentence construction, but the Congress certainly Is Boss. They see the CBI reports before even the courts do, and this has caused much adjournment of parliament. Forget Indian independence, we need to fight for the CBI's.
7. CID Better Is: CID has ACP Pradyuman. And Daya. And badass forensics. And, importantly, a 100% success rate. Can we yank them out of the TV and make them the CBI, too? Please?
Any other expansions for CBI that are swirling around inside your head? Put them down in the Comments Section!
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