Our 'friends' across the border have done it again. In the face of damning proof that the ISI were behind the terrorists who beheaded two of our soldiers, Pakistan has denied any involvement at all, and are trying to divert the attention in any way possible.

This has happened so often, and in so many different ways, that we think there’s a protocol somewhere for the excuses that they keep spitting out. Maybe there’s even a giant supercomputer that tells their generals, politicians and press what to say. If there is, it might work something like this:

1. Act like it never happened: The first rule is, after some particularly terrible violation of peace by your creatures, to talk about something else with the Indian authorities, for example:

- The latest Indo-Pak cricket series

Because THIS is worth more of a discussion than, you know, the 'other' thing. Photo: Getty Images

- Medical treatment for Pakistani patients, because their failed state doesn’t have enough hospitals

- Harmony in the sub-continent

2. Blame it on: Any one of the following. Be sure never to blame it on the Pakistan army or the ISI, because telling the truth is so Gandhi:

- The people of Azad Kashmir, who want even more Azaadi

- The Indian Army’s over-active imagination

- Indian terrorism

- The Taliban, because we all know how powerful they are these days

- A ‘common enemy’ of India and Pakistan, without providing any more details

3. Say that they got help from: Any one of the following. When deciding on who assisted in the crime, always let go of logic and sanity first. After all, if you can make someone say WTF, he/she will have less time to find proof of your guilt:

- The ghost of Osama

- The ‘irresponsible’ Indian press, because talking about acts of brutality is obviously wrong

- The pesky habit that heads have, of falling off spontaneously

4. Divert attention: From the real issue, by bringing up any of the following. If you can speak only about these and not at all about your crime against humanity, that’s ideal. After all, the guy you’re speaking to isn’t known for his ability to interrupt.

- SRK's  persecution in India, and how he would be much better off in Pakistan

- Law and order problems in India, conveniently forgetting that Pakistan is the place where Malala was shot and left for dead

- The provocative tone used by Indian diplomats, forgetting that killing Indian soldiers is also quite a provocative act

- Peace talks with India, because nothing says ‘holiday’ quite like a trip across the border where many things are discussed, nothing is decided, and you get a cool photo op with Indian celebrities against a backdrop of a white dove

Now that you have the excuse generator with you, go on TV and look up any of the speeches Pakistani authorities make, after an incursion into India. If we’ve missed out any excuses, shout out in the Comments Section.

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