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The LOL-ster

The LOL-ster

Of wisecracks, giggle-fests and all things that tickle your funny bone

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Today morning, the sole surviving terrorist from th 26/11 attacks on Mumbai, was hanged. A man who had been programmed to kill innocent men, women and children has finally met his maker. Every one of us, who have been crying for his blood since November 2008, can now rest in peace. Because Kasab never will.

It seems superfluous to state that Kasab is going to Hell. What this article is, however, is a wishlist for the Hell he is going to, so that it is not a normal form of purgatory, where he will merely roast in fire for ever. No, his Hell will have to be worse than that. Here are some ideas:

1. Don’t allow him biryani
All of us were outraged by the reports that Kasab demanded (and got) his favourite food while he was waiting on Death Row. The fact that an enemy of the state could even summon up the courage to ask for a luxury dish shows that he really, really, loved biryani. So the easiest way to make him realize he’s in hell is to turn down every request for biryani. Or have a really bad cook (all bad cooks end up in hell, right?) make it for him.

2. Surround him with non-vegetarian eaters
All of us now know (thanks to S Chand’s broad-minded textbooks) that non-vegetarians are evil, dishonest and sexually deviant. So they would be ideal companions for Kasab. Satan – just ensure that you don’t put any vegetarians (those peaceful, pleasant epitomes of decency) around Kasab, please. In any case, you probably won’t find any in hell.

3. Put him in a cell with Ponty’s brother
Killing your brother should guarantee you a one-way ticket to hell, so Ponty’s brother is definitely there. Depending on which version of the reports you believe, Ponty himself might be down below, too. If there are cells in Hell, it would be great fun to confine Kasab with one or both of them. After all, if you fire guns at your brother, shooting at an enemy of your state for all eternity will be such a refreshing change.

4. Recommend him to facebook arresters
When Kasab enters Hell, someone needs to spread the word (among the hardline nationalists) that he once put up a post on facebook that said disrupting normal life because a celebrity died is wrong. Only bad things can happen to him after that; we hope he has an uncle in Hell who owns a clinic?

5. Ensure that dengue-carrying mosquitoes stay close
A couple of months ago, Kasab reportedly caught dengue from stupid mosquitoes, which carried Yash Chopra off but inexplicably left a scumbag like him alive. Anyway, there’s a chance to correct that in Hell. Imagine eternity with severe muscle pains and kidney/liver failure? Wouldn’t that make up for the picture in which he strides with a gun across CST? Not entirely, but it’s the start.

6. Make him the target of people who heard the Microsoft OS joke
The first time you and I heard the joke ‘Microsoft should name their next OS Kasab, because it never hangs’, we laughed out loud. The next 5 times, too. After that, we smiled politely. Nowadays, we mostly just wish we could kill recyclers of old jokes. Now, we can convert this last feeling into something tangible. Just tell people who are tired of that joke (and who’ve ended up in Hell) that the source of their pain now lives close by, and watch as they make his afterlife Hell.

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